Breaking the silence on domestic violence

She was bashed with a hammer, choked with electrical cord, stabbed with a chisel and raped over a 12-hour period.

It is a confronting story but one that must be told and Lani visited Forster recently to do just that.  A documentary about her ordeal and the subsequent court battle to put the perpetrator behind bars  was shown before she addressed the crowd.

She told of her early childhood in the southern suburbs of Sydney.  Her father, who was from Cunnamulla, and was a heavy drinker, was violent towards Lani’s mother, a Maori woman who moved to Sydney from New Zealand when she was 19.

Her mother stopped drinking when she first fell pregnant but her father continued to drink, often becoming violent and lashing out at Lani’s mother.  He got sober when Lani was five and she remembers attending regular Alcoholics Anonymous meetings in Redfern;  hearing the horror stories of how alcohol destroys lives.

Lani showed promise as a young athlete and her father, with his new-found sobriety, kept her busy catching the train to Cronulla to take part in Nippers or at the local athletics club where she flew around the track in bare feet. 

Described by others as an outgoing child Lani saw herself differently and as she reflected on her decline into alcoholism and drug addiction she says there was an element of inevitability about it.

“I was born into domestic violence and alcoholism.  I was a daily user by the age of 12 of drugs and alcohol.”

Community acceptance of domestic violence was touched on a number of times during the documentary.

“You don’t get involved, it’s accepted, it’s what goes on, it’s what you put up with,” said Carol Simon, long-time family friend.

Lani agreed, adding that going to the police was not an option.

“If you go to the police, you’re a dog.”

So it was on Christmas Day in 2000 when Lani was just 19 the two years of constant violence at the hand of her boyfriend came to a head.  She had finally resolved to leave him and was at her father’s house.

“A good friend – somebody I trusted – called me and said she needed to talk so I went but as soon as I arrived I knew it was a trap.”

Her partner grabbed her and took her back to his place.

“He strangled, raped and beat me all at the same time.  I was coming in and out of consciousness.  Each time I felt myself going I thought ‘this is it, I’ going now’.  At some points I was hoping to die and at others I was  praying for the sun to come up.”

Incredibly she survived the ordeal and phoned her father for help.  Despite their code of not going to the police he was so shocked and overwhelmed he ended up taking her to the closest station.

They took a statement and photographed her injuries but she left without signing a statement.

“I believe if it had been a white woman it would have been different.  They (police) would have gone out and got him instantly.”

But she is not one to apportion blame (never referring to herself as a victim but a survivor) and says the culture of silence within the community must be addressed.

“In the Aboriginal community it’s a hush hush situation.”

It was not until many years later when Lani was 21 and in a loving relationship, and with four young daughters, that she was convinced to seek justice.  After the beating on Christmas Day her father had convinced her to go into rehab and she has been sober ever since.  But while she had dealt with her addictions, she had not dealt with the trauma of the domestic violence and her nightmares were of extreme concern to her partner.

Her dealings with the legal system were frustrating and drawn out.  It took four years for police to even press charges and another two years before the matter was brought to court.

“I was on the stand for three months up to eight hours a day.”

During that time Lani gave birth to her fifth daughter by Caesarean and was back on the stand within days.  She was determined to have the matter resolved and the outcome was more than she’d hoped for.

Her ex-partner received a 33-year jail sentence.  A headline in a local newspaper said it all for Lani – it read: ‘Justice after eight years of hell’.

“That’s the longest sentence for black on black violence,” she explained.

After the historic outcome she was asked to make the SBS documentary.

She has also since written a book which she says is just like ‘having a yarn’ with the reader.  After her talk she signed copies, leaving individual and inspirational messages in each one.

Her message is that domestic violence is “massive – whether you’re black, white, rich or poor, it is happening now to somebody you know and something must be done about it.”

And a word of advice: “If you get hit once, you’ve got to get out, it never gets any better.”

If you need help the Domestic Violence Hotline number is  1800 RESPECT (7377328)